I Finally Did It. I Broke Up With My Phone.
MichaelSunnarborg / November 14, 2016 Article, Image, Link / Leave a Comment
I had an inkling this day would come. And it did. This month I broke up with my mobile phone.
Even though I’m still feeling the pain, I’m glad I did it. And even though I know the shock will eventually wear off, I’m still experiencing waves of grief. This has been one of the most difficult break-ups I’ve experienced in a long time.
You see, I didn’t even realize that I was in a toxic relationship until I had a moment of truth.
I was driving in rural Minnesota around 9:30 pm on a Sunday night. Since county roads don’t have any streetlights, headlights create the only illumination at night. In addition, the new moon was creating nighttime darker than usual.
Suddenly, I saw a pair of tiny orange dots in the distance. As I got closer, my headlights revealed a deer standing on the side of the road. I’d driven this same route for over 30 years so I knew exactly what to do. I tapped my brakes to stop cruise control; readjusted my grip on my steering wheel; slowed down my speed; and prepared to hit the brake pedal, if necessary.
I passed the deer with no problem, but my awareness had been raised. Three minutes later, I spotted another deer, and then another. They were out feeding. Just be cool and stay alert, my instincts told me.
Then suddenly my mobile phone—anchored to my windshield—lit up in its full glory, revealing a text message from a friend. The light from my phone was so bright that my eyes instantly darted towards it. Then in the next second, I spotted another deer ahead on the left side of the road.
Without missing a beat, I reached up, snatched my phone out of its holder, and tossed it onto the passenger seat. I’ll be darned if that’s going to distract me tonight! I need to stay alert to stay alive.
That was my moment of truth.
I caught my breath and started to process the event. After several near-death experiences over the years—including car accidents—I don’t take chances like that anymore. And my recent 50th birthday has put more things in perspective for me. I knew that a text wasn’t more important than my life or the life of a deer.
When I got home, I removed the phone holder from my windshield and decided that being on my phone and operating a motor vehicle were no longer compatible activities. Besides, the Bluetooth system in my car had been acting up lately, so it was just easier to eliminate phone calls in my car altogether. Nothing is so important that I can’t wait until I’m parked or stopped to respond to it.
Up to this point, I’d always prided myself on being an early adopter of technology, but now I realized that I’d reached the tipping point—technology was taking too much power from me. The decision to not be a distracted driver started a series of realizations about how my mobile phone was occupying too much time and space in my life.
Hence, it was time to break up. I sat down with my phone and we discussed options—we ultimately decided a trial separation was in order.
During these weeks since the break-up, I’ve been detoxing from a digital addiction. Besides removing the phone from my car, I realized others areas of my life where I’ve been unconsciously wired:
Companionship. While waiting in line at the post office recently, I noticed that I automatically reached into my pocket and pulled out my phone to keep myself company. Although checking for an important message might be appropriate—particularly for someone who is self-employed, like me—I was usually checking my phone out of boredom. Also, most people won’t talk to you when your nose is in your phone, and since some of the best conversations happen spontaneously while waiting in line, I surely don’t want to miss those.
Documentation. At a recent concert, I noticed how so many people had their phones out recording the concert while they watched. I can understand snapping a picture or taking a short video, but more than that seems ridiculous (and illegal). If you’re looking into your phone, you’re missing out on the live performance. Which is more real? My realization was that my phone would never replace the event. It was time to embrace the moment more than the memory.
Telling time. About 10 years ago, I removed my watch in favor of a gift from my buddy Shawn— a leather watchband with a blank metal plate on which I had the word NOW engraved. This allowed me to leave physical time and move into spiritual time. Ever since, my phone has been my watch…until now. Since the break-up, I’m testing out a more balanced approach. I’ve resurrected one of my old watches, installed new batteries, and gave it a new watchband. So far, so good—as long as I still remember that it’s always “Now.”
Photo ops. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a shutterbug. I have even been a professional photographer during my travels, so naturally, I love having my phone with me to capture moments on film. But since the breakup, I’ve had to re-think my sweet tooth for snaps. How often do I really go back and look at all those pictures? Occasionally. But does the ROI of all the time spent taking those pictures really balance out in the end? Maybe not. Sometimes the impressions left in our minds are enough.
Social media. Don’t get me wrong—I enjoy the benefits of social media both personally and professionally, but if I find myself camping out on Facebook, LinkedIn, or Twitter for large chunks of time, it’s a signal to shift my focus. Spending too much time on social media just creates a black hole. Rather than spending two hours online, I could have been writing a new blog. And since I value my time and energy, I’d rather be more productive and work smarter rather than harder.
Do I miss having my phone around all the time? Sometimes. But we still see each other a couple times a day, and for now, that feels better. Now our relationship is more balanced. And, ultimately, isn’t that what all healthy relationships are about?
Michael Thomas Sunnarborg helps people find better balance and happiness in their work, relationships, and life—especially during transitions. Find out more at michaelsunnarborg.com
8 thoughts on “I Finally Did It. I Broke Up With My Phone.”
Interesting insights. I have done something somewhat similar with Facebook very recently, limiting myself to messaging and groups (yay for Facebook separating those out!) so I can be intentional about communication instead of blind scrolling. I have found an unintentional side effect is my phone is less interesting and the rest of the world captures my attention more. Thanks for always making me think!
You’re welcome, Kate! “Filtering” has become the newest skill of the 21st century. Glad you found out how to make Facebook work for YOU.
I love your observations, Michael…especially what you witnessed at a recent concert. I had the same experience two weeks ago and what I realized was, not only was the person who was recording the concert missing out on the live experience, they were also missing out on those rare moments of bliss: bonding with other concert goers when hearing the first few notes of a favorite song…missing the person a few aisles over mouthing the words in unison with the crowd…the smile of recognition…the nuanced notes of a four-decades old band playing in perfect unison. When we are so connected to our technologies, we are missing out on our REAL life. Thank you for the reminder.
Indeed, Kathy. “Real life” doesn’t go away just because we’re not paying attention to it… and what a fantastic show it is!
Thanks for your thoughts on this subject. Where I probably won’t do a trial separation, it is time to sit down with my phone and come up with a way to have a healthier relationship with it. I appreciate your tips and will definitely keep those in mind as I alter the use of my phone.
I hope the conversation with your phone goes well. Take time to think carefully about your perspective before you put your new rules into action, and then be sure to notice what happens as a result of the changes and what you “get back” in return.